Mountain Musings


Can’t Touch This


Well, here we are in the middle of March, and the whole world’s in a tizzy over this Coronavirus, and I’m gettin’ dizzy cuz I’m goin’ on another cruise, to Alaska this time, hope I don’t get the pandemic flu… that’s what the prez calls it… the flu, that is.


If you’ve ever been on a cruise, you already know the washy, washy routine, when the maiden with the white apron squirts disinfectant on your palms as soon as you come aboard and every time you enter the buffet line… little kids really really get a kick out of the “Washy, Washy” lady. Oh, and don’t forget to wash your hands with soap and hot water for at least 20 seconds anytime you touch anything or anybody. And for goodness sake, don’t touch your face, your nose, your mouth and especially your eyes.


“You can’t touch this. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh… a super dope homeboy from Oaktown, and I’m known as such, and this is a beat you can’t touch. I told you, homeboy, you can’t touch this. Look in my eyes, man, you can’t touch this.” (“You Can’t Touch This” – MC Hammer – 1990)


Who can ever forget those black and white films they used to show us in elementary school featuring Mr. Bungle, who always forgets to wash his hands? My advice is don’t be a Mr. Bungle. And just how does one know when 20 seconds has elapsed, you ask? Well, some recommend singing the Happy Birthday song three times in a row. If it’s too embarrassing to do this in public, try singing a few versus of Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody.”


Just how does one get the dreaded Coronavirus, you ask? I’m glad you asked. You can get it just from breathing the air exhaled by a person close to you who doesn’t even know they have been infected with the virus, especially if they happen to cough or sneeze near you. According to government health officials, the most danger posed by another person’s sneeze is if they blow snot on you and then you rub your eyes, stick your fingers in your mouth or pick your nose. Yuck! Remember, you can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your friend’s nose.


You can also become infected after kissing or even shaking hands with an infected person. If you must have body contact with another person, it’s better to just give them a fist bump. Even then, it’s best to washy, washy afterward.


Also, it’s best to avoid touching doorknobs, handrails, water faucets, toilet handles, gas station pump handles, ATM buttons and pencils and pens used by other persons. And if you do, please be sure to wash your hands afterward. Enjoy your life, but be careful out there.


Now, look me in the eye and promise you won’t touch any of these things and then touch your eyes.


“Look me in the eyes, man, you can’t touch this.”


Keep it flyin’ Uncle Mott