Mountain Musings


Free pizza


I’ve decided that when I make my run for Mayor of Crestline, I will buy pizza for everyone who votes for me, much like the legendary Zap Comic Books character, Oat Willy, who promised free pizza for anyone that votes for him.


“Let’s all go to Shakey’s, let’s all go to Shakey’s. Oh, we serve fun at Shakey’s, also pizza” (Shakey’s Pizza Jingle – 1954)


Before all this can happen, Crestline’s cityhood movement must prevail. In addition to free pizza, my mayoral campaign platform would include a ban on e-scooters and e-cigarettes, completion of former Supervisor Biane’s “sidewalks to nowhere” and a ban on all assault weapons. Paraphrasing presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke, Heck yeah (he didn’t say “heck”), we’re going to take your AR-15, your AK-47. What, you were to hunt for quail? Okay, so don’t vote for me… no pizza for you!


My agenda would include teardown of the dilapidated Quonset hut movie theater to accommodate construction of a parking lot for Crestline’s burgeoning commercial district, which would include a Sizzler restaurant. Yes, I know they make terrible steaks, but they’re also terribly cheap… just like me, and they also have a fantastic salad bar, which is extremely popular with all of us old codgers.


And, let’s not forget Shakey’s, which also has a great salad bar, not to mention their to-die-for Bunch of Lunch, which includes all-you-can-eat salad bar, pizza and fried chicken and mojos… yum, yum! “Oh, we serve fun at Shakey’s, also pizza.”


Hey, Roadhouse, your pizza is every bit as good as theirs, how about all-you-can-eat salad bar and Bunch of Lunch? No offense, I only mentioned the other place cuz it’s hard to find good songs about pizza.


Additionally, I would ban all airline flights over Crestline, which seem to have increased ever since the complaining by folks in Lake Arrowhead. I would advocate for free parking at Lake Gregory and diagonal parking throughout Crestline. Also, re-establishment of the Crest Forest Fire Department, as well as Crestline’s own Police Department… and free pizza for all our first responders.


Sure, this sounds expensive, but I’ll do my darnedest to secure federal grants to fund all these services, in perpetuity. And, read my lips, no new taxes (I realize you can’t read my lips, because this is a print media column), but trust me, I’m no waffler, which reminds me, we could also use a waffle house.


Other major annoyances to be addressed are homelessness and illicit drug use, which seem to go hand-in-hand. For these I suggest grants for job training and mental health counseling, as well as free rides down the hill. Prior to the election, there should be a series of debates. However, I must warn all potential candidates that my debating skills are not to be reckoned with; after all I was an award-winning debater in high school. In case you’re wondering how I can afford all this pizza, simple… a federal grant. “Oh, we serve fun at Shakey’s, also pizza.”


Keep it flyin’ Uncle Mott