Dearest Sidney,

I do hope that my email question from my iPhone to The Alpine Mountaineer reaches you in time for an immediate response.
We are expecting our first child at any minute. Foolishly, I talked my cherished betrothed into taking a spontaneous Winter Solstice last-minute drive up to the beautiful San Bernardino Mountains in hopes of a white Christmas and some time alone before the birth. So here we are stuck on the side of the road with not one room available from Crestline to Big Bear and no sign of snow!
As you can guess, I’m in big trouble with Mommy-to-be. Do you know of somewhere humble that we might lay our heads before heading back down the hill?

Joseph and Mary

Dearest Joseph and Mary,

First off, I assume that you two have not yet tied the knot, but indeed have consummated your friendship, a seemingly routine turn of events in these days of anything goes. So be it. I do hope that your child will turn things around in his lifetime by bringing to this upside-down world some sense of propriety, peace and brotherly love because, as I look around, that ain’t happened yet.
In the meantime, may I suggest that you two head on over to The Bear Claw on Lake Drive in Crestline? Just follow the great big star overhead. Inside you’ll find a kind barkeep and plenty of honest, charitable wise men and women. There’s got to be one redneck in there that’s got a barn with some comfy hay to lay on and a manger for the baby, in case it comes pretty quick.
I’m not a terribly religious person, but I must say that this just might be The Greatest Story Ever Told. If you were lucky enough to have a boy, would you name him after my second cousin Jesus? No particular reason, except that he’s the only family member who reads my column every week.

Sidney

Send your questions for Sidney to [email protected] or by snail mail to Dear Sidney, The Alpine Mountaineer, P.O. Box 4572, Crestline, CA 92325.
This advice is intended for entertainment purposes only. No animals were harmed in the writing of this column.