Dear Sidney,
Due to an unjust onset of incontinence, I awake several times to visit the bathroom. Last night, my final journey was at 5:15 am. As I fell back to sleep, a very enjoyable dream occurred. I spent the next three hours in my jammies with John Lennon. In truth, I never was romantically linked to the man nor have I ever had any desire to be so entwined, but the three hours spent at the Albert Hall in London pre-concert was quite pleasant. I was to be a contestant in a Beatles trio with John and Paul presenting our rendition of If I Fell. Surprisingly, in my sleep I knew all the words. “If I fell in love with you, would you promise to be true—“ Well, some of them anyway. John was very taken with me. It must have been the purple streak in my black hair, which is in reality salt and pepper. He invited me to join him in his hotel room after the concert. You see, we were both in our pajamas. I told him that I didn’t use any drugs, but he already knew that and assured me that he might smoke a bit of pot, but that it was okay if I chose not to. In the dream John and I are both in our 70’s, so I couldn’t see any harm in having a bit of a slumber party with him, although it was Paul that I had always been after.
Anyway, I awoke with a burning desire to contact my high school sweetheart and tell him all about it. However, he has refused to speak to me since I returned his class ring and Beatles LP after returning from a summer vacation in Carpinteria in 1965, my head full of false vanity. I’ve kept his number, but have wisely not used it for over twenty-five years. I’ve sent birthday cards every year since 1966, but he’s yet to respond. Do I dare call him now to share this silly dream? He lives at the bottom of the mountain. We’re both terribly old. Sidney, what could possibly happen?
Marianne Unfaithful
Dear Marianne,
Wow! What could possibly happen if you called your ex-sweetheart who is still mad as hell at you after all these years? Hmmmm. Let me think.
Scenario no. 1: After patiently listening to your scintillating description of the Beatle dream, he’s sure to jump in his car and head up the hill to sit on your porch and hold your hand, while enjoying your circus of squirrels and blue jays. He’ll offer you his class ring, of course, and suggest that you two make out like old times while reminiscing to A Hard Day’s Night on your turntable.
Scenario no. 2: He’ll wisely slam down the receiver the second he recognizes your whiny voice. Yes, I said “receiver,” because I can’t imagine this old fart using a cell phone. Yep, he’s a landline man all the way.
Day no. 117 of sobriety here and that’s all I’ve got for ya.
Sidney
Send your questions for Sidney to Sidney@thealpinemountaineer.com or by snail mail to Dear Sidney, The Alpine Mountaineer, P.O. Box 4572, Crestline, CA 92325. This advice is intended for entertainment purposes only. No animals were harmed in the writing of this column.
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