I may be asking this question too late, for I am in need of advice before Christmas Day shows up and rears its ugly head. I have nicknamed the holiday Guiltmas Day, because that’s the day my neighbors on both sides have for the last 20 years shown up uninvited with brightly bagged frosted cookies and almond roca and expect me to open the gosh darned door. If that ain’t enough, their blinking red and green lights have kept me up since the day after Thanksgiving. I go to bed around 8:00 p.m. and those darned lights are blasting at my windows until dawn.
So, for 20 years I’ve had to go DTH to a dollar store to get two Guiltmas bags and two cheap boxes of chocolates so, when the neighbors come knocking at some ungodly hour on Jesus’ birthday, I can stick my hand out in the good old Christian way to give and receive without guilt. I’m gosh darned tired of the whole sham.
If my neighbors cared about me, the hypocrites might surprise me with maybe just one snow berm removal so I can get out of the driveway. Instead, during Snowmagedden of 2023, the traitors left the mountain on Day 1 and headed for dry land.
I’ll be 85 years old come spring. I didn’t go down the mountain and get any gift bags and I don’t have any chocolate. Is it okay if this year I play possum, stay in bed with the dogs and pretend not to hear any knocking?
Humbug in Crestline
Dearest Humbug,
I’m shocked by the disdain you have for your neighbors. Honestly, can’t you calm down and appreciate that on at least one day of the year they are reaching out to you?
Nope, me neither.
My goodness, we do get awfully cranky in our old age. Our bones ache. We love sitting, because that’s the only time the arthritis pain quiets down. Our knee joints crack, bone on bone. Our sacroiliac joint pain keeps us awake at night. We’re told to limit our alcohol intake to two glasses of wine a week, when now more than ever we need a few gin martinis daily starting at five o’clock – or 4:30, because it gets dark so freaking early.
I don’t know your neighbors, of course, but I don’t believe that they expect a gift for a gift. I’ll bet they drop off little tokens of goodwill all over town. Why, I’ll bet that even the dogcatcher receives a yearly dose of cookies and almond roca from them, bless their hearts.
Christmas Eve put in the earplugs. We don’t want the prancing and pawing of reindeer hoofs to disturb you. It’s time for a long winter’s nap. Enjoy Christmas morning snuggled under the covers with your best friends. I’ll be doing the same. Do not answer the door to well-meaning Christian folk. Stay cranky.
Sidney
Send your questions for Sidney to Sidney@thealpinemountaineer.com or by snail mail to Dear Sidney, The Alpine Mountaineer, P.O. Box 4572, Crestline, CA 92325.
This advice is intended for entertainment purposes only. No animals were harmed in the writing of this column.
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