It’s really hitting us seniors hard, all this Internet nonsense. “Go online” are the two cruelest words of the 21st century! I don’t buy anything online and now we are expected to have an up-to-date smart cell phone so that all communication can be made by way of rude, cruel and exhausting TEXT MESSAGES. My health plan is the worst. Every communication is by email insisting that I “sign in” to my account so that I can be harassed by my Body Mass Index and my excessively high cholesterol levels.
I refuse to pay for a cell phone to torment me with artificially intelligent spammers. I have all the human contact and conversation I desire twice a week at the San Moritz senior luncheons.
But my biggest complaint is having missed out on the Duck Derby competition this April. I’m a gambling man and love the thrill of the race. I realize the weather postponed the day, just as it postponed Easter Sunday, but I couldn’t find Duck Derby tickets being sold anywhere. Not the hardware store, not the nursery, not even one liquor store. Heck, no! Why, you ask? Because the tickets were only available . . . DRUM ROLL . . ONLINE!
Well, I’m not risking my bank account balance and my life’s savings by going online and divulging my precious information just to invest in 20 Duck Derby tickets. So there! And I like to pay cash for stuff, darn it all, which saves the storeowners having to share their profits with a credit card company. I say “shop local” or some day we’re going to end up having to drive down the hill for every little thing, including gasoline, Big Macs and rubber ducks.
Perhaps my aggravation would be better mailed in as a letter to the editor, but I’m interested in your interpretation, Dear Sidney, of my petty angst.
Cash and Carry in Crestline
Dear Cash and Carry,
My interpretation of your angst is that you’re not alone, which brings up the old age question: Whatever happened to drinking straight out of the hose? I’ll bet you that these young whippersnappers, who insist on marketing a community event ONLINE only, would shiver, quiver and quake in disgust at the thought of metal and rubber sliding between their sanctimonious lips.
I, myself, am suspect of the SCAN box, another trick to get everyone to use a smart phone. In a restaurant you are now forced to SCAN a menu glued to the table?
SCAN some funny square on your TV screen to plan your vacation? We used to think it mighty stupid to sit naked on a Xerox copier machine and print out our buttocks, but it looks like we were ahead of our time.
For those of you that for some odd and crazy reason do not know what the annual Duck Derby is and where the money goes, it is a Crestline Chamber of Commerce fundraising event to support the yearly 4th of July fireworks spectacular over Lake Gregory. The more rubber ducks adopted, the bigger the boom.
If you’re a drinking man, tickets for the chamber’s upcoming Corks & Hops events are unfortunately only available, as far as I can discern, ONLINE at corksnhops.com. However, one may purchase a ticket in person the day of each event for an additional punitive amount of $10. Also, there are volunteer opportunities and each volunteer gets to taste the beer and wine pours for free! See you there.
Sidney
Send your questions for Sidney to Sidney@thealpinemountaineer.com or by snail mail to Dear Sidney, The Alpine Mountaineer, P.O. Box 4572, Crestline, CA 92325.
This advice is intended for entertainment purposes only. No animals were harmed in the writing of this column.
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