By Mary-Justine Lanyon
When mountain resident Diana Lee Moran wrote her book Floppy Ears and Puppy Dog Tales, she was focused on the loss of her 16-year-old dog, Paddy, a Jack Russell terrier. But then she lost her fiancé, Danny, who suffered a stroke on their wedding day and passed away four days later.
“I learned a great deal about grieving as I wrote,” Moran writes in the first chapter. “The experience (of losing Paddy) prepared me for an even greater loss – losing my husband-to-be, Danny. Grieving over my pet had been a hard-hitting and valuable lesson…. Losing a pet is devastating but suddenly losing a loved one is beyond comprehension.”
Moran writes about the five accepted stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance – devoting a chapter to each stage.
Knowing the stages of grief is not enough, she writes. “Even if we don’t go through each stage, we have to go through the process. We only go through the steps necessary for our relief and recovery. Each step of grief transforms us into someone new. The complete process becomes not who we lost from our life but the life we have lived with them. It’s who we have become, knowing them, and who we are becoming without them.”
Much of the book focuses on Moran’s relationship with Paddy and her journey after losing him. She says that her readers can use the process no matter what or who they have lost.
One aim of the book – subtitled How to Overcome Grief from Loss and Other Life Lessons I Learned from my Pet – is “to teach you to recognize when you have lost something and how to travel the emotional path toward acceptance, recovery, peace and joy.”
Moran writes that it is “natural for you to want to hide from the pain. It is not a natural process to navigate the pain resulting from loss.” She urges readers to use her book just as a guide. “Each person’s journey is unique but it’s useful to be aware of the stages. If you have endured loss, you will need guidance in executing the grief process.”
Anyone who has or has had a pet knows this to be true: A pet gradually becomes a friend, part of the family. Pets teach us about relationships – how to be good friends.
When we lose our furry friend (assuming it’s a dog or cat, not a turtle or lizard), we go through a recovery process. Moran compares it to making lemonade out of lemons. “The lemons themselves are sour or bitter. When we add sweetener and dilute it with water, we create a refreshing drink. The recovery process can be bitter but the recovery of our joy and peace is sweet and refreshing.”
Recovery from grief, Moran notes, has its own rewards. “It teaches us many things about ourselves. For starters, it teaches us to accept help…. Joy is one of the most unexpected emotions during the grief journey and one you will welcome if you let it.”
But, Moran adds, “I want you to welcome all emotions. You don’t have to act on them all but recognizing them is the first step. Joy and sadness can coexist.”
Grief is more than pain, Moran writes. “It is a wound so deep that you may first become numb and empty so you don’t have to experience the pain. You try to feel nothing because a full-frontal assault of the excruciating pain will surely kill you. Your world has stopped but the clock ticks on.”
At the end of each chapter on a stage of grief, Moran lists the characteristics of that stage, possible actions you can take and questions to ask yourself.
She herself, Moran writes, is generous and intentionally kind when she experiences loss. “I make cookies or help someone organize. I use my gifts to bless others because it’s those acts of kindness and generosity I miss so much in my fiancé, Danny. You may also forgive and behave gently toward others who need it because you value and need those qualities while you are mourning. Doing for others gives you a sense of control and power over your uncontrolled situation.”
Bargaining, Morgan says, “is the stage of grief most associated with hope and rest. (It) is just the bridge between anger and depression, moving down the road to acceptance. Bargaining sets us up to see the truth.”
Grieving can be overwhelming. If you are feeling overwhelmed, Moran says, face just one emotion at a time. “Be gentle and kind to yourself. Give yourself time. There is a season for everything. Everyone who lives long enough will have losses and will need to grieve.”
Throughout the book, Moran shares portions of the journal she kept after Paddy’s death. She encourages anyone who has experienced a loss to keep some sort of journal to help express their feelings.
Depression “can be the toughest stage but the one that produces the most growth,” she says. But keep in mind – just like with all the stages, you will not be here forever.
As for acceptance, Moran says it does not mean you accept your loved one is gone “as much as you welcome life beyond your loss.” You admit you are grieving, you accept the time to heal and you focus on yourself and administer self-care.”
Anyone who has experienced loss knows how difficult all those “firsts” are – the first Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthday, the anniversary of the person’s death. “It will hurt,” Moran writes, “and that’s OK. It is natural and normal.”
Moran has added a sixth stage of grieving: finding meaning in life again. There is more work after acceptance – you need to find your purpose, discover your talents, help others, make personal connections, learn to be happy, do something different, do something you have always wanted to do, challenge yourself.
In the book Moran includes the “What I love about you” poems she wrote for Paddy and Danny. “It is beneficial to be grateful for what your pet or people taught you,” she says.
Moran admits that loss is one of the most difficult things we will experience but it can also be one of the most transforming experiences.
“Grief can groom you for your purpose and usefulness to the world,” she writes. “However, it is a bumpy road with many roadblocks. It forces you to slow down and get through tough emotions and things you will never understand.
“Don’t get out of your situation prematurely,” she adds. “Work through the painful process to arrive at a well-developed character and emotional and spiritual maturity.”
In the book’s conclusion, Moran sums up each chapter and concludes with an index of quotes from each chapter and an index to the stages of grief.
“You will someday be in a position to help others through their grief,” she writes. “Even knowing you have lost and lived through loss can help give others a long-term perspective. They see that perhaps they can do it, too.”
Floppy Ears and Puppy Dog Tales is available on Amazon.
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