Anybody who knows me knows that I’m a real news junkie. I spend half my life watching CNN and the other half writing these silly articles. But, seriously, there’s not much to laugh about lately, what with airplanes crashing upside-down, wildfires and floods and death and destruction in far away foreign lands. So, I figured I oughta give you something newsworthy to laugh about. But, first, here’s a little something to tickle your fancy:
Some things in life are bad, they can really make you mad. Other things just make you swear and curse/ When you’re chewing on life’s gristle don’t grumble, give a whistle and this’ll help things turn out for the best. Always look on he bright side of life. Always look on the light side of life. (“The Bright Side of Life” – Eric Idle/Monty Python – 1979)
To be perfectly honest, there wasn’t anything very funny reported in this paper in recent years. However, I’m reminded of something I read in the sheriff’s log in the Alpenhorn News about 20 years ago – the story of the unlucky fellow who borrowed his girlfriend’s car for a date with a hooker, who ended up stealing his car. Now, how are you supposed to explain that one to your girlfriend?
A friend in Pennsylvania emailed me some interesting newspaper headlines the other day. These are actual headlines that have appeared in in other news journals in recent years. Anyway, I have taken the liberty of adding my own stupid comment to each and every one.
“Something went wrong in jet crash, expert says” (You’re kidding – really?) “Miners refuse to work after death” (What a bunch of lazy miners.) “Juvenile court to try shooting defendant” (See if that works better than a fair trial!) “War dims hope for peace” (I can see where it might have that effect.) “Cold wave linked to temperatures” (Who would’a thought?) “Tulsa couple slain: Police suspect homicide” (They may be onto something!)
And still more: “Red tape holds up new bridge” (You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?) “New study of obesity looks for larger test group” (Weren’t they fat enough already?) “Kids make nutritious snacks” (Taste just like chicken.) “Local high school dropouts cut in half” (Chainsaw Massacre all over again.) “Drunk gets nine months in violin case” (A good way to sleep off his condition.) “Enraged cow injures farmer with axe” (Keep axes away from enraged cows.)
And now my personal favorite: “Typhoon rips through cemetery: Hundreds feared dead” (What else would you expect?)
If life seems jolly rotten there’s something you’ve forgotten and that’s to laugh and smile and dance and sing. When you’re feeling in the dumps, don’t be silly, chumps, just purse your lips and whistle. That’s the thing, always look on the bright side of life (Whistle, come on!) always look on the bright side of life (Whistle!)
Keep it flyin’,
Uncle Mott
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