Dear Sidney

Feb 2, 2023 | Dear Sidney

Dear Sidney,

When, oh, when did my adult daughter become so much wiser than her 65-year-old mother? She’s a stay-at-home mom with no college degree.
She called, a big surprise, to check on me when I was in Home Depot admiring the pretty green fake grass. I shared that I was thinking of buying some, when she went off on me about the dangers of artificial turf: the chemicals, the mold, the fact that non-contact injuries for NFL players had increased dramatically.
“Mother, it’s made from petroleum and old tires. The particles become airborne and inhaled by animals and children. It kills the biome beneath and . . .”
It’s apparently Dry January for the millennial. I admitted to her my two nightly martinis and she hung up on me.
Wearing my sunglasses, I snuck out of Home Depot with a 2 x 4 artificial green mat to place on the snow so my doggie could do her business, but I headed up the mountain filled with shame. I’m now a biome-destroying alcoholic in need of a hug.
Are you there for me? Do you have any words of wisdom? Thanks.

Sad in Twin Peaks

Dear Sad,

In my opinion, your dear child is belligerently woke. However, she is correct. During the big drought, it was ill advised to trade out one’s grass with artificial turf. Los Angeles neighborhoods became desert oases with cactus interspersed in the stuff.
If you remember, over the past 20 years it’s been reported that “one day you can eat eggs all day and the next day none at all!” The times they are a-changing, every other day.
But your question relates to your emotions when a child, now adult, chooses to treat you as the child. Surely, you weren’t planning on constructing a football field using artificial turf, but only a convenient winter pee stop for your treasured pet.
I’m sure that most would advise speaking up about your sadness, but I’m falling back on silence is golden on your part. Why get into a fistfight over martinis and turf?
Enjoy your outdoor pee pad, dear doggie. Here’s a big hug to you both.


Send your questions for Sidney to [email protected] or by snail mail to Dear Sidney, The Alpine Mountaineer, P.O. Box 4572, Crestline, CA 92325.
This advice is intended for entertainment purposes only. No animals were harmed in the writing of this column.


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