I keep getting annoying phone calls every day from someone with a foreign accent that asks to speak to Dooglas and wants to buy my house. I have to tell them it’s not for sale, but I do have some craters on the Dark Side of the Moon that I’d be willing to sell.

I get all sorts of annoying phone calls from people who tell me that the warranty on the Mottmobile is about to expire and want to sell me an extended warranty. Then there are the people that call and want to sell me a solar power system and I have to tell them that I already have solar panels on the stately Motley Manor, but I do have a hot deal on a sunspot I’ve been trying to unload.

Operator, oh, could you help me place this call? See the number on the matchbook is old and faded. She’s living in L.A. with my best old ex-friend, Ray, guy she said she knew well, and sometimes hated. But isn’t that way it goes? (“Operator” – Jim Croce – 1972)

As it turns out, Ray’s ex-girlfriend works for the phone company; I think I’ll give her a call right now. One ringy dingy, Gracious, snort, good afternoon is this the party who has answered my call, the Central Intelligence Agency? This is Miss Tomlin of the telephone company, well, of course I know the phone was off the hook. I know this is a private, unlisted number that’s changed twice a day for security, the same technique we use for our repair service, snort.

When me and the Missus first moved up here, after our Bicentennial Tour of the United States, we had an antiquated phone system, where we only had to dial five numbers – starting with an 8 for Crestline and  a 7 for Lake Arrowhead – to make a local phone call, not to mention that we were on a party line we shared with some stranger who had the same phone number as us. Anyway, it was a little confusing. However, in order to make a long-distance phone call, we had to call the operator. I bet that some of you old codgers, like me, remember doing this.

One ringy dingy, two ringy dingys, gracious, snort, hello. Have I reached the party to whom I am speaking? Is this Premier Alexi Kosygin of the USSofR? Good, this is Miss Ernestine Tomlin of AT&T. Have I reached General Motors? Hi, General, tell me, how is Mrs. Motors? You complained that your phone isn’t working. Well, well, well, Mr. Motors, at long last the brake shoe is on the other foot.

Well, that’s all for this week, I’ll see you again soon on the Dark Side of the Moon…. Snort!

Keep it flyin’,

Uncle Mott