Dear Sidney,

After 25 years, ex-husband #5 is still stalking me. The-Check-Is-In-The-Mail sociopath, who lives in Lake Arrowhead, shows up at every social event on the mountain, especially those held at the San Moritz Lodge in Crestline, because that’s where I now live. However, he neglects to EVER bring his wife along; the wife he married on the very day our divorce was final 25 years ago.

He has no qualms about sauntering over to my seat and inquiring as to how I’m doing and remarking on the birth of my grandson, the success of my children, the death of my mother. Apparently, he hovers over Facebook gathering information; yet he has no account of his own.

He is the first to park his fat bottom in front of the Crestline post office on Lake Drive to watch the Jamboree Days parade. Driving to Goodwin’s market for groceries, I’ve seen him sitting there alone in a red, white, and blue beach chair at 7:00 a.m. before the street is closed down. At the Memorial Day celebration this last Monday, Mr. Crazy showed up and lauded over the crowd as if he were to make a speech. When all Army veterans were asked to stand, he jumped up from his front row seat! To my knowledge, Mr. Teetotaler has never been in the Armed Services. He stared at me the entire time, as he always does.

Upset from the encounter, I rushed out of the lodge to my car and forgot that in my trunk was the manila envelope with photographs of husband #5 that were ripped out of albums years ago. I’ve been driving around with the envelope for, perhaps, 20 years. I know I’ll see him again soon. I’ll take the photos to him the morning of the parade. I’ll include a note asking him to stay off my turf. Would that be okay?

Stalked in Crestline

Dear Stalked,

Just maybe, delivery of the photos could be the finality that Mr. Teetotaler needs. But per John Wayne, remember to “never trust a man who doesn’t drink.”

This guy, who runs amuck solo on the mountain, seems to be a lost soul. What the heck did you do to him, Ms. Vixen? For you to have five ex-husbands, I believe you are at least, hopefully, in your 60s. After breaking so many hearts, I do hope that you’re at peace with your romantic and marital decisions. “For whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.”

You might want to bring your posse with you to deliver the photos. You know, just in case.

Sidney

Send your questions for Sidney to [email protected] or by snail mail to Dear Sidney, The Alpine Mountaineer, P.O. Box 4572, Crestline, CA 92325.