Dear Sidney,

I’m writing because I am ashamed of how large I’ve become. I truly believe the bulk of it is due to lack-a-nookie.

It seems that when I’m in love – and I’ve been in and out dozens of times over the last 75 years – I maintain a healthy weight. In fact, I remember that during one such torrid affair, I lost 10 pounds in just a month’s time. Heck, 10 years ago, I lost 20 pounds in six weeks during the Middle Eastern romance!

Currently, giving up carbs and walking endlessly up and down the mountain roads, I haven’t lost one lousy pound.

Celibate for a decade, I’ve put on five pounds for each and every 365 days of abstinence. Yes, that’s 50 glorious, sumptuous, miserable pounds of unattractive flesh.

My friends have urged me to get out there, get on the Internet and find a lover. What do you think?

Lots to Give in Crestline

Dear Lots to Give,

I’m with your friends. After all, everybody loves somebody sometime. From my limited perspective, I see the lack-a-nookie as a potential health hazard. If you do not have sex regularly, you may be at a higher risk of developing cardiovascular disease. Besides being a great source of exercise, intercourse may help to keep your estrogen and progesterone levels in balance, lowering your risk of heart disease.

And then there are those happy hormones following the activity and the reason for that glowing skin, the serotonin release and the oxytocin boost, which makes you feel happy and relaxed. Happy sex is good for your heart, and at 75 you might want to keep it pumping.

Go ahead and find a sensitive lover. It’s less expensive (I hope) than the gym and a lot more fun.

Sidney

Send your questions for Sidney to [email protected] or by snail mail to Dear Sidney, The Alpine Mountaineer, P.O. Box 4572, Crestline, CA 92325.

This advice is intended for entertainment purposes only. No animals were harmed in the writing of this column.