Dear Sidney,

Nowadays it seems that not only is it true that money can’t buy you love, but money can’t buy you a fence repair guy that also stains and waterproofs, or an electrician fanlight guy that also sands and paints, or a two-guy dream bathroom remodeling team that will hang back up a danged mirror!

Why can’t they rehang the wife’s favorite forest leaf mirror? Because they don’t have permission from the big company AND because they tossed out the perfect screw when they took the mirror down last week! They do not supply replacement screws and there are liability issues if they were to use one of my screws. So, at this hour, the cocktail hour of 5:00 p.m. to be exact, I’m being screwed.

As the head of the dream team shoves the final paperwork under my nose and into my trained eye, misspelled words suspiciously leap off the page. Am I really going to agree to pay out my life’s savings for a walk-in shower replacement – the wife still tearing up mournfully over the removal of her claw-footed, death trap bathtub – to a company that can’t spell preparation? Everyone knows how to spell Preparation H; not, like, prep-eration with an “E.” Then there’s the croam accessories faux pas. My spellcheck is nauseous at this moment and beginning to be impacted.

Do I speak out to the dream remodel company and take a chance that the tread of my fancy Snyder’s tires may be sacrificed? Or should I agree to pay as agreed and enjoy this really nice, sexy walk-in shower with rainwater and a teak bench?

Mr. Sourpuss Consumer

Dear Sourpuss,

Out of all the questions submitted this week, yours stands out. Actually, your question is the only question submitted this week. Apparently, there have been no women ghosted by the boys at the Bear Claw; there have been no men left broken-hearted after romantic country karaoke at The Stockade; and there has not been one grandmother in Valley of Enchantment wondering why at 2:30 in the morning her ex-con 35-year-old grandson has not yet walked home from the Magic 7.

I do believe it’s time that we consumers begin speaking out at the way we are treated by the unprofessionalism of the corporate grid. However, if you did sign a contract and the contract was performed, it’s time to pay up.

Excuse me, but there is nothing sadder than watching Dodger rookie James Outman chase a home run up to the fence; his shoulders crushed in disappointment at not being able to catch it. Sorry, I’m watching the game.

So, just between us, how much of your life savings did the rain shower cost you?

Sidney

Send your questions for Sidney to [email protected] or by snail mail to Dear Sidney, The Alpine Mountaineer, P.O. Box 4572, Crestline, CA 92325.

This advice is intended for entertainment purposes only. No animals were harmed in the writing of this column.