Whew, that was a close call! I’m talking, of course, about Asteroid Melpomene, which is 37 kilometers in diameter (3,320 feet, equal to about three-fifths of a mile) and passed within 533 miles of Earth on Oct. 30. Had it struck the Earth at 30,000 mph, it would have made a serious dent in the Earth’s surface. Kinda reminds me of a David Bowie song.

There’s a Starman waiting in the sky, he’d like to come and meet us, but he thinks he’d blow our minds. There’s a Starman waiting in the sky, he’s told us not to blow it ‘cause it’s all worthwhile. He told me let the children lose it, let the children use it, let the children boogie. (“Starman – David Bowie – 1969)

I know, this song is really lame, but it’s hard to find any good songs about asteroids nowadays.

OK, I know what you’re thinkin’ – this guy’s a real scaredy cat. But you can never really be too sure about these things. I mean, how would you like to have an object the size of Ontario Mills Mall crash in your backyard? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Of course, had we seen the mall heading towards us, we would have hunkered down in the bunker, hundreds of feet below the grassy knoll here at the stately Motley Manor, where we had stocked up on the three major food groups necessary for survival: pepperoni pizza, pretzels and beer.

Well, since we narrowly avoided extinction, we climbed out of the bunker and had a pizza and beer feast out on the grassy knoll behind the house.

I understand the offtrack asteroid eventually got sucked up into the sun. Well, that’s the official government explanation, but I know what really happened. Just as I predicted, Melpomene came hurtling through space at breakneck speed and bounced right off of Kim Kardashian’s rather bulbus buttocks, back toward the sun. It happened really late at night, so nobody noticed it, except for Kim and Kanye, who was heard to exclaim, “What the blankety, blank, @, #, &, *, % was that?”

Next, me and the missus headed over to Goodwin’s. But, of course, it was still under reconstruction, so we went around the corner to Roadhouse for some pepperoni pizza and beer… What, no mojo potatoes? Since Goodwin’s wasn’t open, we went around the corner to 7-Eleven to stock up on some beer, pizza and slurpies for us and some kitty crunchies for the cats, in anticipation of the next heavenly body… and I’m not talkin’ bout Kim Kardashian.

What I am talkin’ bout is the comet! That’s right, Comet Nishimura, about a half-mile in size, which is supposed to reappear toward the end of the year.

Holy cow! How would you like to have a comet the size of Disneyland land in your backyard? Well, I gotta go now and start digging a deeper hole for my bunker.

There’s a Starman waiting in the sky, he’d like to come and meet us, but he thinks he’d blow our minds.

Keep it flyin’,

Uncle Mott