Now that Christmas is over, and what a wonderful Christmas it was, the only thing I dread is Boxing Day…No, it’s not a day designed to worship Muhamad Ali, it’s the day after Christmas when you get to rid the living room of all the gift boxes left all over the floor to be put back in the closet so we can reuse them next year.
Anyway, it’s now January and, as you can see from our annual list of the past year’s top stories from each week’s newspaper, it was quite a newsworthy year, with a lot of really grim news to report. The only thing lacking in our weekly headlines was a little humor. To be perfectly honest, there was nothing very funny to report on.
Are you ready for a little levity? OK, here goes. A friend of mine in Pennsylvania recently emailed me some truly interesting news reports the other day. These are actual headlines that have appeared in other newspapers, such as the one about the unlucky fellow who borrowed his girlfriend’s car for a date with a hooker, who ended up stealing the car. Now, how do you explain that one to your girlfriend?
Here are a few more examples to get your year off to a rollicking start. I have taken the liberty of adding my own silly comment on each one: “Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says.” {No, really?} “Panda Mating Fails, Veterinarian Takes Over” {What a guy} “War Dims Hope for Peace” {I can see where that might have some effect} “Cold Wave Linked to Temperature” {Who would have thought?} “Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide” {They may be onto something.}“Kids Make Nutritious Snacks” {They taste just like chicken} “Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Suspect.” {See if that works any better than a fair trial}
Now that’s kinda extreme, not exactly clear, if you ask me!
There’s something happening here but what it is ain’t exactly clear. There’s a man with a gun over there telling me I got to beware. I think it’s time we stop, children, what’s that sound? Everybody look, what’s going down? (“For What It’s Worth” – Buffalo Springfield – 1967)
You know, this all reminds me of the sheriff’s log in this newspaper’s predecessor, The Alpenhorn. And, as you may recall Dennis (the publisher) couldn’t help but comment on the offbeat reports. But wait, that’s not all…
“Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half” {Chainsaw massacre all over again.} “Drunk Gets Nine Months in a Violin Case” {Good way to sleep off his condition} “Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents.” {Wouldn’t that make them a Siamese Trio?} “Farmer Bill Dies in House” {I’m going to complain to my congressman!} “Teacher Strikes Idle Students.” {Sometimes learning requires extreme measures.} “Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe.” {Keep axes away from enraged cows!} “Drunken Drivers Paid $1,000” {Where do I sign up?}
And, finally, my personal favorite headline: Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery, Hundreds Feared Dead.” {What else would you expect?}
That’s all for this week…for what it’s worth.
Keep it flyin’,
Uncle Mott
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