Well, I woke up this morning with a hankerin’ for a big, fat, juicy, charbroiled cheeseburger. And whenever I get that kinda hankerin’, there’s only one thing to do and that is to jump in the Mottmobile and head straight up to the Deep Creek Drive-In in Arrowbear for a juicy, charbroiled cheeseburger. Other good places to grab a burger include the Cedar Glen Malt Shop and George’s Burgers on 40th Street in San Bernardino.
Now, I’m not just sayin’ this to get a free burger from either of these purveyors of fine burgers (although, it would be nice); I’m sayin’ it because I honestly believe these to be the consummate, top-o-the-heap cheeseburgers in the entire known universe… Wait, I take that back, let’s make it a big, fat, juicy, bacon cheeseburger…yes, even better than In-N-Out. It’s kinda like livin’ in paradise.
Cheeseburger in paradise, heaven on earth with an onion slice. Not too particular, not too precise, I’m just a cheeseburger in paradise. (“Cheeseburger In Paradise” – Jimmy Buffet – 1978)…by the way, in France it’s pronounced buff-èt.
In an exhaustive, four-month study conducted by some of France’s top scientists, they concluded that there’s a proper way to consume a hamburger. Three experts in fluid mechanics, engineering and dentistry, who produced a 3-D scan of a hamburger and analyzed it on a particle level, have recently turned in their astonishing findings. And here’s what they found – noting that most folks grasp their burgers with their thumbs on the bottom of the bun and their fingers on top, they have come to the conclusion that the most efficient way to consume a hamburger, without having the meat patty slide out the other end and land onto your lap, is to have your thumbs and pinkies supporting the bottom bun and your middle fingers spread evenly on top. This, they say, will minimize slippage and maximize the amount of beef that goes into your mouth.
Well, shoot, I coulda told them that and saved them a lot of time and money. This is the way I’ve been doing it since day one…actually, it was on day two since day one was when I ended up with a soggy meat patty in my lap. Not only does this proper burger consumption method lower the risk of smearing catsup (or is it ketchup?) all over your face just like that finger-lickin’ lady in the Wendy’s commercial, but it also eliminates the urge to call-out, “Where’s the Beef?
I like mine with lettuce and tomato, Heinz 57 and French-fried potatoes, big kosher pickle and a cold draft beer. Good God Almighty, which way do I steer for my Cheeseburger in Paradise?
Now, smart burger eaters, like me, don’t even need this so-called “newly discovered” method because we go to Deep Creek and In-N-Out where the burgers are carefully wrapped in parchment, thus eliminating the possibility of having a soggy meat patty in my lap. See ya later, I’m heading back to Cheeseburger Paradise.
Cheeseburger in paradise, medium rare with mustard be nice. Heaven on earth with an onion slice, I’m just a cheeseburger in paradise.
Keep it flyin’,
Uncle Mott
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