I hope all of you survived last week’s heatwave without suffering heat prosti… Excuse me, I meant to say heat prostration. That’s better; it seems we had a so-called “Heat Dome” overhead that resulted in record-setting temperatures throughout much of the Southland and Central California. It was kinda like the “Dome of Silence” on Get Smart, except it had the opposite effect in that it prevented people outside of the dome from hearing what was being said inside; after all, Secret Agent Maxwell Smart is sworn to keep Top Secret information a secret.
Anyway, it was hotter than a witch’s broomstick. In fact, it was so hot that you could see squirrels roasting nuts…Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping at your nose…That’s enough, Nat, now cool it.
Whenever I’m with him, something inside starts to burnin’ and I’m filled with desire. Could it be the devil in me, or is this the way love’s supposed to be, just like a heatwave burning in my heart. Can’t keep from cryin’, it’s tearing me apart. (“Heatwave” – Martha and the Vandellas – 1969)
Well, I’m sorry you feel that way, why you took it so personal, Martha. So, it was 92 degrees in Crestline last Wednesday, then on Thursday, it soared up to 96. But 104 in downtown L.A., now that one set a new record. But that’s not all folks, it was 117 in Northridge. Holy ow, I heard the cows were making evaporated milk and chickens were laying omelets on the sidewalk. It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95, I start to feel chilly, it’s so hot I saw a bird pull a worm out of the ground with an oven mitt. It’s so hot that polar bears are wearing sunscreen, and it’s so hot that the government installed a fan in the debt ceiling. It was also so hot that the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm…Peeeuuuuu!
It’s just another sign of global warming, man, it really is. I’ll show you how to make global warming work for you. Remember when you were a little kid and you would use a magnifying glass to kill insects and other small creatures you didn’t like? What, you weren’t a sadistic creep? Well, today, my coffee maker wouldn’t work, so what did I do? You guessed it, Chucko, I used a magnifying glass to heat up a couple cups of coffee. Okay, so it took a while, so next time I’ll just put it in the microwave.
Whenever he calls my name so softly and plain, right then, right there, I feel that burning flame, It’s like a heatwave, it’s burning in my heart. Sometimes I stare in space, tears allover my face. I can’t explain it, don’t understand it, I ain’t never felt like this before. Now this funny feeling has me amazed, don’t know what to do, my head’s in a haze. It’s like a heatwave, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Keep it flyin’,
Uncle Mott (Stay cool)
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