The availability of hand sanitizers in public places is one of the coolest things since the discovery of penicillin. The ones at the supermarket are meant for cleaning all the yuck off the handle of your shopping cart. There’s no telling what kinds of disease-bearing bacteria have been left behind by a baby’s behind that was just parked in the basket’s kiddie compartment. I know this sounds weird, but do you know what’s really weird? Al Yankovic.
I know I’ve got millions upon millions of tiny one-celled organisms living on my skin. I rub and scrub until my flesh is raw and bleeding, but they just come right back again. Germs, I can’t even see ‘em, but I know they’re up to something. Hey, don’t touch that, you don’t know where it’s been. – (“Germs” – Weird Al Yankovic – 1999)
Speaking of harmful bacteria, have you ever considered those cloth grocery bags some folks are toting that may contain as much bacteria as that sponge sitting in your kitchen sink? Well, I have and that’s why I don’t use cloth bags or sponges. Why, you ask? How about that the salmonella bacteria dripping from that package of raw chicken, or the E-coli bacteria oozing from raw hamburger meat? If you insist on using cloth bags, you may consider sanitizing them before reusing. By now you probably figure I suffer from germophobia; so what, it’s better than suffering from salmonella.
Personally, I prefer paper bags, since they’re recyclable. I absolutely detest plastic shopping bags the bagger assumes you want without asking. Not only are they ecologically unsound, but also half of your groceries spill out of them as soon as you pull out of the parking lot. That problem will resolve itself in the near future when Governor Newsom’s mandatory ban on plastic bags goes into effect. Already, Stater Bros has switched to ultra-thin, recyclable bags that decompose before they end up in the ocean, only to choke a whale.
OK, so I do have a little confession to make. Since they no longer have paper bags in the produce department, I do use those thin plastic bags they do have. I mean, how else are you gonna secure your fresh fruits and veggies? By the way, plastic produce bags have confounded me since day one. For years, I’ve struggled with opening them, often tearing or shredding them.
Recently, thanks to a savvy female shopper, I learned that all you have to do is wet your thumb and index fingers before attempting to open them and, presto, it opens with the greatest of ease. A word of caution, though, please don’t lick your fingers while doing this. Instead, use the moisture from the water they spray on the fresh vegetables, but do so without touching the veggies. I could kick myself for not figuring this out on my own…Ouch!
Germs. Can’t get those parasitic pests off my face, and there’s more coming every day. I never said they could camp out on my body, I wish they would pack their tiny, little bags and move away. (Weird Al)
Keep it flyin’,
Uncle Mott
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